Government? ufff! The People – Democrazy in DOC, Part 1

This is a citizen’s take on our much acclaimed democracy. In Kerala, if you said democracy, some people would get offended, but most others would get ruffled. “Demo-ya? Kooduthal demo venda ketta” (don’t show off too much) you would get warned. Of course, the crazy bit is quite obvious everywhere in DOC.

Over the last few years, I have had the privilege of experiencing the joy and pleasure of many typical government offices in Kerala’s capital city, Trivandrum, in pursuit of various clearances and permissions. Initially it was the KSEB and the city Corporation, visits which have scarred my soul permanently!. So let me wait a bit more and let them heal a bit more before I write about the "gods" there.

More recently, I had to go to the Tahashildar’s office (TO) in Trivandrum. This is because I made the mistake of applying for a particular permission some time last year at the District Collector’s office. The Collector’s office had processed my request within a month and in august last year they had sent out an order to the Tahashildar’s office, aptly copied to me, asking them to verify my records personally and report back WITHIN A MONTH so that they can grant the permission at the earliest. Now that there has not been any response for over 6 months, as a citizen in dire straits, I decided to do the needful and visit the gods at the TO.

The look and feel of the TO at Trivandrum is similar to that of any other Government owned office. There will be people thronging the entrance, with a very knowledgeable and influential cart-wala selling ethakka-appam (banana fritters, or fry for the uninitiated) and tea. The experienced person will know that this cart-wala is the man. I mean, The Man. The man who was the sole authority before the Right to Information act was passed recently, and the only person you could get any valuable information from. He will know how to get what you need, who to meet, how much to bribe, when to come, what time the particular office “section” person goes to the loo, after how many weeks he will come back from the loo-visit, and most such very essential details for you to get your work done. He will also sell you the required application and request forms, although they are "supposed to be" obtained only from inside free of cost. But you wouldn’t want to displease the gods.

If you observe the people, you will notice that there is a pattern. Every group will consist of one officer and his clients, and in most cases, an external consultant also. Consultants are required for cases which are chronic (acute – upto 5 years, limited to one office; chronic – 5 or more years, involving many offices, probably in different cities or towns, or many cart-walas). Most of them will be in their mundu, folded up high, smoking (remember smoking is banned in public places in Kerala) and randomly spitting to announce the satisfaction of the tea they just downed.

Once you enter, you will find more hapless people. These “ignorant fools”, the naïve applicants and aspirants from out of town or the relatively uncorrupted lot, who stand in queues in the sun, in front of the enquiry counter and other "windows", waiting for a darshan of the concerned officer to direct them to the higher gods.

After a few hours, if you finally manage to make it to the counter the enquiry guy directed you to, and by some stroke of luck you reach there some time before or after the tea break-lunch break-tea break sessions of the employees, you will again most likely see an empty seat. The other people in the next seat or “section” wont even look at you. And if they do, they will eye you with an evil look and throw up their question in a fast move to ask “what the hell do you want?”. Some others may enquire and make you spill out your entire history before dismissing you to come when the concerned person is there and not on leave.

While I was there, a hapless old lady who had come from another town, and was enquiring about some payment she had to get as refund. She was desperately trying to get the attention of the officer who was luckily in his seat, but was talking to his colleague three tables away, not bothered about the lady muttering “sir…sir”. Finally, irritated, he asked “what?”. And she began her story. He asked her straight to go to some other section, without even looking at her paper. She then explained she had gone there and showed the remarks made by that section. To that he asked if she had gone to another office at another place in Trivandrum. Tired and irritated herself, she explained that all the other offices had directed her to him.

As I witnessed the sad plight of the lady, I also observed how the noticeboards and even the doors and windows were pasted with notices from various unions calling for strike or raising demands. There were computers on a lot of tables, all looking like age-old junk, uncleaned and kept shabbily. I saw the “peon”, who peered at you as though he is above the Collector (must be, in a literal sense, in collecting bribes), throw files signed by the Tahashildar, onto the respective tables from far away, as though he were delivering newspapers. The officers didn’t mind; after all it’s the "chief collector" himself delivering the goods. 3 out of 10 officers in that room were wearing khaddar, possibly implying they were one of the union leaders. I also saw how papers kept flying from some of the tables. Some were picked up by the person at the desk, some others were left lying only to be picked by some passerby and kept back on the table. Some others were still on the ground as I moved away, wondering what if its some piece of paper that’s so vital to one of us.

I could move away since my number had come. This was my 6th visit to the office to meet the person in charge of my file. I was lucky enough to meet the person this time, and even luckier to make him move it to the next "section", which was at the next table, in just an hour - something that didnt happen for the last 6 months.

But if you have “met the right people” and “seen them in the right way”, you will see that these hardly working people become so hard-working, showing personal interest, full of energy, cheering up their colleagues to process your request. Files, which usually take weeks to move between adjacent tables, begin to move rapidly between rooms and even buildings. People even recognize you during your second visit.

There is so much more to write about our government servants. The same people come back to private offices, hotels, and hospitals, and demand quick service and better facilities, preferably for free. And one would think its only the older lot who were the problem. But I couldn’t find a lot of difference in attitude among the younger officers either. I suppose its only a matter of time before the rot spoils the good apples too.
Read more!

Doggoning, Doggone, Doggoned

If you notice the small poll on the right side-bar of this blog, you will notice that 10% of the voters feel that Kerala has made good progress in comparison to TN, AP, and Karnataka. I am trying to understand where the difference is. If its just a positive hope that Kerala will catch up, the mindset will change, etc, then yes, I am an optimist too. But if there are any hard facts, then lets examine whats available.

First there is this big discussion (hullabaloo, if you prefer) about how violence, robbery, and goondaism has suddenly become common-place in God's Own Country. In fact, this blog had carried a post called Goon's Own Country on the same issue last year. Now it appears that the title is more acceptable, at least compared to DOC, and even the "chinthakans" aka the thought-leaders of the state are calling the state by that name. Now thats a definite change in the mind-set, and a sign of acceptability and willingness to accept our "few" faults and inadequacies. Ok, theres some progress.

Talking about Goondaism, I am not sure how many of us remember that when the current Government came into power, one of the first things the Home Minister did was to release 100s of criminals and thieves (who were apparently party workers - uh oh - who could not make it to the legislative assembly) from the jails across Kerala. I guess they have all effectively taken up "jobs", unlike their lesser malayali counterparts, who still prefer to remain unemployed, smoking beedis and leching at their women. So theres some more progress identified.

The farmers of Kuttanad meanwhile realized that neither the LDF nor the UDF can save them. Goondaism struck in the form of unionism, and prevented harvest using machines. But early summer showers, as they call it, ensured that the political pains were washed away, leaving only the poor farmers to suffer. Of course, we can celebrate Easter with grain and vegetables "imported" from AP and TN, and chicken flown in from TN and Karnataka. And after easing the hunger, we can complain that there is a food-mafia and chicken-mafia, besides the infamous (and invisible) land-mafia, sex-mafia, film-mafia, retail-mafia (yawn..), beggar-mafia, beautyparlor-mafia.. The Italian mafia appear to be far behind compared to the progress we have made. Kudos to ourselves.

So what happened to all the "progress" and "development" made in Munnar and other "specified locations" across the state? Rubbles worth crores of money were "created" some time last year, but what is the end result? Except for the fact that the ministers and a few other top ministry officials were implicated in land-scams (alleged) subsequently, we have no idea what has happened after the much hyped and celebrated demolitions of the JCB era. Did the ministers divide all the newly-acquired land among themselves? Are they waiting for another buyer like ISRO to come in so that they can make their deals? Oh ofcourse, we now have a set of politicians with business knack despite the lack of education. Progress, of course.

Millions of malayalees across Kerala now scuttle and hamper scamper to get in front of the TV by around 8pm, irrespective of what they were preoccupied with. Star Singer, Ta Ka Di Mi, Super Star Global... groan..the list is endless. But this is one progress I wholeheartedly accept as positive. These programs are much superior to the pathetic mental torture fed to the malayalees earlier in the form of "serials". Atleast our children will feel encouraged to become precocious, and possibly inducted earlier into various party youth wings, while our pitiful neighbours settle for IIM, IIT, AIIMS etc.

So what if the multi-crore, celebrated, Smart City project, the mother-of-all-projects Vizhinjam port, the Keralas-liftoff-to-space ISRO project etc are all stuck behind political inadequacies and inefficiencies? Progress can be so subtle.. We will have the last laugh always I guess. At least we will pretend to do so, with true malayali false-prestige.
Read more!

Its A Dog's World!

A million reasons why you should never post your picture on the web, especially on sites such as orkut or facebook, unless you have locked them from public viewing! This probably includes even matrimonial sites and also emailing photographs to people you are not really familiar with. There are frustrated psychopaths who seem to be bent on collecting pictures of women and pooling them on sites, some of which are extremelty obscene and others that are titled like "Desi girls .." and "Beautiful..Non-nude Gals!". And I am talking about pictures of girls and women picked from their personal albums, school albums, family photos, friends, etc.

Today it could be a random face, tomorrow it could be your friend or relative!

I dont know if the authorities are incapacitated enough not to intervene and raid server locations where these pictures are hosted, even if they are outside India or within. I hope someone who has both sense and power (a rare combination I suppose!) is reading this and has the courage and ability to do something.

I think privacy is something we all take too lightly, especially in Kerala where we are least bothered about respecting someone else's privacy!. Although this message is not really about Kerala, but rather its because I got really angry seeing such pics. The link to one such site was sent to me by a friend, whose colleague's pictures were put on the site - the picture was taken from her personal online album. They are trying to contact authorities regarding this, but none seem interested to do anything concrete. Most of the related sites on these domains are pornographic and disgusting.

I think this also underscores the fact that we really have no sense of respect or concern for our women. I have to point out that this is true especially of men in Kerala, where a lot of instances and events point to the fact that women are being treated more as objects rather than human beings, and a large section of the population thrives on scandals and gossips, which in turn feed this sort of deplorable perversions. Disgusting as it is, posting these pictures of innocent girls and women on these sites takes ourselves to new lows!

Pray someone can do something about this!


P.S. Initially I posted the links to some of these sites, but on second thought I decided to remove these, since it would mean more publicity to the pics of these innocent victims. But if you are someone who can do something about this whole scam, please post a comment and I will contact you and give you the details of these sites
Read more!

Literacy versus Education

The first thing that people tend to query you about when you say that you are from Kerala is about the 100% literacy concept which has been given so much of publicity, that now its become a bane - Kerala gets the least priority for most developmental projects because people sitting in other parts of the country think that its such an advanced state that does not need any help.

But everyday life in Kerala (you just need to spend a few hours in fact) tells you a different story - the story about how literacy is so vastly different from education. There are many parallels you can draw to prove this. For one, you could say most of our political leaders are only literate, but not at all educated. Or you could argue that reading and writing your own name is literacy, but reading and writing someone else's name is education. I could say that one can drive if you are literate, but disciplined driving needs education. Treating your mother and sister well needs literacy, but treating someone elses mother and sister like your own needs education. There are many more examples I can think of..but..you could also simply look around and wonder what the difference is..



Pic courtesy - Cosmet Surgeon via email

I am not sure if the above signage is located in Kerala or elsewhere, but it was too hilarious and one couldnt drive home the point any better.

Lets just hope our schools and colleges start focussing on education rather than initiate our youth into politics. I hope we soon have a government with the sense and knowledge to understand the value of education, than just gloat on the literacy tag, and hopefully will have the courage to ban political affiliations in schools and colleges of Kerala. Or soon we will be a state with a 100% uneducated tag.

I would like to add that the message here is not the picture (which was just to add some fun), but the fact is that Kerala's much acclaimed education and development models have stagnated to a pathetic extent over the last 10-15 years, and is nothing to be proud of any more.
Read more!

Kerala, Fast Forward - Kerala This Week, Vol 6, December 2007

The Christmas season seems to have changed the ruling communist government's luck drastically, and looks like the red brigade is all set to fly the good times (No, this has nothing to do with Kingfisher or Mallya). The maestros of the present ruling party seem to be hitting brainwaves after brainwaves. Now isnt that breaking news?

Until very recently the pack has been suffering repeated humiliation by trying to do things that really didnt match their qualifications or intelligence levels. ISRO land to Smart City (Smart! how ironic..), and National Highways to important industrial projects, humiliation has come in many forms to the current government. Unspent "development" grants, absurd project reports, unimplemented plans, depleting funds..and add to it the very slowly but steadily increasing number of unemployed party workers trying to find a job for themselves due to peer pressure from the "foreign" aka the Gulf and Bangalore aka the new America ("God, what has this world come to!, why are all these able-bodied men trying to employ themselves..how can they be so disloyal to the party" - this was overheard at a recent party high-command meeting).

The only good thing for the government has been a totally sleepy and ineffective opposition, just making whimpers and whines occasionally. But all that changed over the last couple of weeks. Here are the brainwaves that topped the list:


Brainwave number 1: "Adopt Santa Claus as the official mascot of the red-brigade"

While there are many guesses as to why nobody thought of this idea until now (or did they?), it is almost certain that none of the present political leaders could think of something so intelligent. Large Santa cut-outs were seen outside a lot of communist party offices, merging with the Achuthanandan and Pinarayi cut-outs and the red flags.


Brainwave number 2: "Train Keralites to climb coconut trees and create an industrial revolution and economic boom"

Terming the UDF Government's decision to train monkeys to climb coconut trees as an attack on the common-man's right to livelihood, the government scrapped the policy since it unilaterally favored the monkeys and the bourgeois apes. Instead, the Government decided to set up a school to train malayalis to climb trees and pluck coconuts. In the wake of the economic boom riding on technology revolution and industrialization that requires education and soft-skills, the thought-leaders of the current government saw this as a perfect answer. Perfect reply rather.

This new policy will ensure that the party workers can climb trees during their free time (which is a lot since its their own party ruling the state and there is no real need for daily hartals), and come down immediately in the event of a sudden post-noon or evening hartal or strike call. The party also welcomed the decision and expected students from other states also to join this prestigious institution once it is open.

The school is expected to begin early in 2008, and initially two part-time (to suit the timings of busy party-workers) courses will be offered - a Post Graduate Diploma in Coconut Plucking (PGDCP) and a Post Graduate Diploma in Maram Keral (PGDMK). The prospectus says that the admissions will be purely on merit, and the candidates should have at least dropped out by Grade 10. Attendance below 50% in school, party work, destruction of public property, previous experience in related fields will be a plus. Trusted sources said the seats have been filled until 2009 already, and there is a proposal to grant the school a deemed university status.

Whats more heartening is that companies like the CPeye, INCee, CPeeM, DeyeC (K), RSPee, BJPee, IyouML and most other leading political business outfits have agreed to conduct campus-selection right from the first batch. And since the school will not require an actual campus, there is much cheer in the parties.

Brainwave number 3: "Make Monopoly the official game of Kerala"

This idea was kept highly confidential until very recently, although the present set of ministers and their associates were trained and made to practise the game every day before they assumed office. The results are evident from the Munnar and ISRO deals (or "debacles" as some folks with anti-common-man sentiments term them!). The government is fully into tearing down houses and hotels and taking over property (Munnar) and selling it elsewhere. This brainwave is the result of the sudden belief that all the land in Kerala belongs to the government. Its almost like one of the players in the game decided to become the bank and make his own rules.


Brainwave number 4: "Make alcohol the official drink of Kerala"

At a whopping 8.3 litres of alcohol per person a year (as per the latest stats), Keralites are the biggest drunkards in the country. And it shows.. in da house, in da street, in da work (what work?), in da movies..everywhere. And what better time to prove this than Christmas and New Years. The alcohol sales (minus the more commonly used illicit liquor) in Kerala just on Christmas eve supposedly crossed Rs 18.6 crore this year.


Brainwave number 5: "'Common-man' can make pirated CDs and use pirated software"

This idea was brought to the fore after officials from Microsoft, along with police officials, raided locations across the state and captured pirated versions of Windows software. In protest, the poor "common-man" organized hartals to protest against such actions that curb their right to earn illegally. After all its the government of the poor "windows-loving common-man" ruling the state, and the rest of the state needs to run only on Linux.


Brainwave number 6: "Keep all major projects in the 'feasibility study' and 'consultation' phase for as long as possible"

Be it Smart City project or the Vizhinjam Port, the government stumbled upon this wonderful brainwave by chance. They have now discovered the beauty of keeping all big developmental and employment-generating projects in a literal state of suspended animation. This is done by releasing press notes every couple of weeks on some such big project, and then doing nothing about it. A "6-lane road is going to developed in Kuttipuram", "1001 bridges and flyovers coming very soon", "Vizhinjam port will become a reality", "all districts will have tech-parks".. the list is endless. These occasional outbursts of publicity seem to be enough to fool the literate-but-literally-uneducated Keralite public and keep them dreaming of a better tomorrow, and to fool the common-man into thinking that participating in a hartal today will win their children bread tomorrow.

But reality is far from it. Vizhinjam port has been in the form of a tender for many years now, Kerala was thrown out of the highway projects (but apparently got back in with some sense prevailing somewhere), Smart City is yet to take off despite the deal being signed, and crores of rupees received as funds from various organizations for development and health care remain under-utilized or non-utilized due to the exceptional inefficiency of the state government (or their inability to understand logic or take educated and intelligent decisions).


Looks like we have lots to look forward to the next 3.5 years or so of this government. Can somebody please Fast Forward?.
Read more!

Tourism Rediscovered In God's Own Country

On November 1st, Kerala celebrated its 51st year of formation. And very aptly, the people of Kerala [at least the section that calls themselves BJP supporters - another party that has supports beyond the minimum number of people required to call a bandh/ strike that can disrupt life in Kerala and bring the state to a standstill - for the uninitiated, that magic figure is five (5)].

I happened to be in Kerala on that special day and observed how the state and its people were transforming and "progressing" with all these bandhs and shutdowns. One of the most important indicators of this transformation was the innovation the people have shown to survive these bandhs. Almost every household now has a collection of display boards made specially for their vehicles so that they can move around unharmed. It could indicate one of the following: "Vivaham", Ambulance, Police, Airport, Milk, or a Black flag. Any of these will most likely see you get to your destination without much harm. (DOC Tip for Readers: If at all possible, use the "Vivaham" (marriage/ wedding) sign - This is the Ace card as far as Kerala is concerned. If you are part of the wedding industry, all parties will welcome you and let you pass, no matter what the political agenda is.)

Bandhs are becoming so common in Kerala, that even tourists visiting the state carry their own "vivaham" board. Even Living Planet and other travel guides are recommending the same. Probably thats one reason why we are witnessing more foreigners getting married in Kerala.

Tourism Minister was not too much off the mark when he quipped last year that Kerala should open itself to "Bandh Tourism", and according to him more and more foreigners are visiting Kerala only to witness the bandhs and hartals. Inspired by his own discovery, he has not done much to promote any conventional tourist infrastructure.

Not to be left behind, other ministers and government officials have done their bit to promote tourism in their own ways.

CM is the biggest contributor to the tourism industry, beating the nearest competitor, the Leela Kempinski group, by a huge margin. It is said that people are visiting Kerala by the hordes to learn his gestures and humor (if I may use the word). He is now a close competition to George Bush, President of USA, as the leading political-cartoon character of the world. Apparently, yesterdays press-conference helped him up his ratings substantially when he said "Nature gives us rains. We should accept it and bear the difficulties caused. If the water comes in, find a way to get it out'' . This was in response to the havoc rains are causing to the state, and the pathetic roads and drainage systems in the state.

With a small collaboration, and a little help from the rains, the Water Resources Ministry and the Public Works Ministry have claimed that they have fulfilled their responsibilities in promoting tourism with the much-awaited Inland Waterway project. Since the actual project involved investments, planning, science etc, they decided to take an easier route to completion. The phase I, they believe will help both the water authority and the surface transport authority.


Inland Waterway Project, Phase I - Both surface and water transport feasible
- Pic Courtesy: Cosmet Surgeon via email

But they are more thrilled about the Phase II of the project, which they believe will help the common man as well as the Tourism industry. Phase II is already implemented at a few regions (see pic below), and will be extended to the entire length of the state before the end of this Government's term.


Inland Waterway Project, Phase II to benefit common man
- Pic Courtesy: Cosmet Surgeon via email



The only hindrance to the execution of the phase II they say is a clearance from the Fisheries Ministry. Although the central government has questioned they need for such a project, the government said it has decided to proceed with the implementation since its in the interest of the common man.

The State Health Ministry, in line with the Health Tourism plans of the Indian Government, also contributed significantly to the industry. Recent epidemics and disruptions in various health programs have resulted in a surge of visitors from other states and countries, especially organizations like the WHO, Union Health Ministry, etc. As long as people visit the state, does it matter why or for what?

The only underperformer has been the Education Ministry. With just controversies (ISRO, IIT, IISc, private medical colleges,..what not!), scams, campus murders (we have already forgotten the recent murders), and strikes and shutdowns in colleges and schools, more and more parents are sending their children out of the state. Its almost similar to the situation in the 60s and 70s, when Keralites went to "Gelf" to earn a living and escape from the horrors in Kerala. We got through the 80s and 90s solely on the Gelf money. Now its the turn of Bangalore and Chennai and Coimbatore money to get us through the 2010s and 2020s. Until then we have a fledgling Tourism Industry.

Welcome to God's Own Country. Dont forget your "vivaham" board!
Read more!

Cancer In Our Schools? - Part II

The dogs are on the loose.. and thats what has inspired me to write today.

Yesterday, the never-ending clashes between two oppossite party student outfits (comprising of "innocent" students apparently!) culminated in the death of a police officer at the NSS college in Kottayam. In a college which states its mission is to provide "Concerted efforts, well designed programmes" that "aim at widening the mental horizons of the younger generations and in preparing them to participate in the process of nation building", beating up a policeman that came to save them is a very laudable sign of the progress our state is making. I am sure the people who support campus politics feel proud.

Why do these parents send children to schools and colleges in Kerala anymore? Is it only because they cannot get admissions outside Kerala? I wish the policemen had shot all the bloody goons who pretend to be students, but are mere cold-blooded scoundrels, who will do anything in the name of politics. Literate-Kerala would have woken up then, and cried foul because "innocent students" were killed in a police "excess".

But who cares about a policeman? The home minister who visited the college later said its all the fault of the oppossite party faction, and then ordered raids across the state against their party offices, dismissed any involvement of the poor "boys" from his party. The oppossite party alleged that it was done by the commie partymen. The neutered Congress can only make pacifying statements and watch.

Who cares anyway? How can we compensate for a life? We simply cant, no matter what the dumb politician and murderers try to make us believe. It was so heartbreaking to see images of the policeman's children and family weeping. Will the 6 lakhs cash announced by the home-minister do any justice to them?

I feel so ashamed. What has this state come to? Its certainly becoming Dog's Own Country! We nurture and continue to support criminals and clowns as politicians, and the government we elect each time is literally a farce. What good has it done any one? Every day all we hear about is violence, murders, and fights. We, the people, are to blame for our own woes. We continue to justify every mistake and every wrong, and easily dismiss any good thing with a pessimistic nay. Campus politics - oh its a good thing.. Roads - not for us.. Investments - who needs it.. Let the poor be poor..and let the hardworking go live in some other state.. We only need politics, beedis, and lungis.

Kerala is becoming worse than the old Bihar (the new Bihar is almost ahead of Kerala). How is this incident very different from the recent beating up of a thief by the Bihari public, which was much-debated and deplored by our leaders, geniuses, and "100% literate"-public? Its only worse than that. Its not surprising. Because we are "educating" our youth to become goons and scoundrels. And the results are showing.

Read Part I
Read more!