Sanmanassullavarkku Samadanam

Latha looked at her watch. She was going to be late to work. Gritting her teeth at the thought of another long night at the office, she grabbed her iPod and stuffed it into her bag. As she ran out, Latha grabbed the tiffin box located strategically on the dining table and yelled in the kitchen's direction,

"Amma…njaan erangunu." (Mother, I'm leaving)
Pat came her mother's advice, "Poyitte varette paraaa, molle." (Say you'll return after leaving)

At the bus stand, Latha did not have to wait for long. A SAFE bus rolled in, its engine purring to a halt. The driver extended its wheelchair lift to let out a disabled lady and her companion granddaughter. The rest of the passengers petered out of the bus before Latha stepped into its cool interior. This particular bus was operated by Safe and Friendly Environment Lines, the brainchild of Abdul Majeeb, a recently returned Kerala expat. Latha had read all about him in a splashy feature story in "Dusky" - a hugely successful periodical in Kerala.

Six years ago, Majeeb had traveled to Masdar to embark on a venture manufacturing luxury boats and yachts for the city's wealthy businessmen and had amassed significant wealth for himself in the process. Yet, as he traveled between Kerala and Masdar, he was continually reminded of the world of difference between his place of birth and place of work. And nothing irked him more than the harassment women received in urban Kerala. At times, he suspected that beneath a largely literate society, lay a seething, frustrated, unemployed body of men who had nothing better to do than harass women on the streets and in every imaginable public place. Majeeb got so obsessed with the problem that whenever he met a fellow Keralite, he steered the conversation in this direction. Yet everyone, men and women, friends and family alike, just shrugged their shoulders and walked away. Then last year, the problem hit home when his sister was pinched and groped on a private bus. Shortly after that incident, he bought her a can of mace and then isolated himself in his office to apply his entrepreneurial instincts to the problem.

For decades, private and public bus lines were unable to provide safe and secure means of transportation for women and children. Surveys revealed the shocking extent of women who had some experience fending off physical advances while traveling. The numbers were lower, but still disturbingly bad for children, primarily because child molestation went largely unreported. It was a problem that left women and children scarred, and in many cases, families reluctant to let their vulnerable members venture outside for work. On the rare occasions that a woman or child complained, retribution was often swift, but the reaction too little too late. Years of building boats and arranging security for celebrity clients at his yacht exhibitions had given Majeeb considerable experience in the tourism and security industries. In his mind, the problems presented by public travel in Kerala were no different. And that is why Majeeb introduced a private protection bus service catering to men, women and children.

Ten kilometers from Latha's bus stand, Majeeb sat in his office with his legs stretched on his desk, a liberty he took on Fridays when the week winded down to a crawl. Flipping the pages of his investment book, he ran through the calculations for his proposed fleet expansion. SAFE had created a tidy profit for him within two years of its launch; now he was going to expand beyond Kochi into Kozhikode and Kollam. Yet, he knew making his figures public to attract investors, was also going to open the gates to copy-cats once competing bus lines learnt just how well he was doing. But then, Majeeb was no stranger to competition. He thrived on devising innovative services and products to differentiate his business.

Majeeb reminisced about his neighbors in Kerala ridiculing him (not to his face, because that would have been impolite) when he told them about his new bus service and his ticket prices which were twice the prevailing rate. Indians, let alone Malayalees, are driven by cost, they said. Charge twice as much, get twice as less passengers, they warned him. Majeeb shrugged his shoulders just as they had shrugged theirs. If there was anything he had learnt about business, it was that you never learn without trying. So he went ahead with his plans to recruit bus "marshals" - able plainclothesmen who accompanied his buses.

In the first month after the inauguration of the bus service, Majeeb did worry. Attendance was poor, and his advertisements attracted just a trickle of passengers, mostly businessmen. Then as word of mouth spread about Majeeb's guard service, he started seeing more housewives and working women among the passengers. Pretty soon, the inaugural bus were running at full capacity and bringing in enough money for Majeeb to justify buying a second, a third, a fourth and even a fifth bus.

In the beginning, there was a security guard on every ride. As expectations rose, he dispersed the guards among his buses. With his higher ticket prices, he was able to add more buses to the same routes and restrict the amount of passengers on each ride. Majeeb had long ago reasoned that the shortest distance from point A to point B in Kerala was not just a straight line. It was a line with bells and whistles. He was not interested in selling a commodity. He was not selling space. He was selling a service. He was selling comfort of a watchful pair of eyes. Not the kind of eyes that women were seeking to avoid. But the protective kind his meticulously-selected and screened guards offered.

Yet, Majeeb took pains to draw the fine line between regulating and liberating interaction between strangers. He had no desire to run a police state aboard his buses. He wanted men and women to converse and act decently towards each other. He didn't want to segregate the two sexes as some clerics and priests in his home town would have liked. Was he in the business of teaching decency? No, he believed such behaviours could not be forced, just internalized.

And what of the criticism leveled at him by a major daily that his rates were beyond the ordinary person's reach? He wrote an emphatic letter to the editor quoting first hand evidence that his bus was actually more affordable. Despite his relatively expensive bus fare, many of SAFE's passengers were switching from more expensive means of transportation including two-wheelers. In the cases of women who were confined to their homes, the opportunity cost was much higher. Majeeb's most cherished possession was a letter from a young lady named Latha, who had written to his office to express her appreciation for his bus lines. Latha was frequently called upon to work for long hours at her office. As such instances grew more frequent, her parents despaired and called upon the daughter to quit. Latha knew she could not heed their warning, which while well-meaning, ignored the hard facts of their circumstances. Her father was confined to the bed after a paralyzing stroke; between his medicines and her mother's care, she was the sole breadwinner in the family. Any other job would force them to live from hand to mouth. It was in the midst of this crisis, Latha wrote to Majeeb, that SAFE "rolled into her life".

Majeeb liked to think that SAFE was a social experiment, but he knew that it was a business like any other. It existed to satisfy an unresolved need like any other successful firm. Only time could tell what long-term changes his entrepreneurial abilities could shape. For now though, he would be happy just to provide law and order in the void that was Kerala's traveling experience.

A knock on the door pierced Majeeb's thoughts and he sat up. His assistant came into his office and said, "It's Minister Balakrishnan."
Majeeb raised his brow, "what does he want?"
"Something about booking a bus for his son's wedding in June." After some hesitation, she said, "Oh and Bhaskaran is on the other line."
Majeeb asked, "Bhaskaran who?"
"Union Bhaskaran…the one who's in the papers about getting you to sign an agreement for your security staff."

Majeeb took in a deep breath and weighed which call was worse.

Post-script:

Sexual harassment is a widespread problem in Kerala. Volumes have been written here and elsewhere on the hellish experiences women face while they travel and work in our state. According to the 2007 Kerala Economic Review report released last month, atrocities against women have increased three-fold over the past 15 years. 2,078 cases were recorded against women in 1992. In 2006, this figure had risen to 9,110 cases. Despite greater public awareness, little has been achieved as tangible results. Successive governments have failed to provide us with better law enforcement agencies. But blaming the government for everything from the lack of standards in our civic life to our economic problems is becoming more and more a convenient cop-out.

Latha's experience and Majeeb's story need not be relegated to the dusty confines of Indian science-fiction. These are very practical applications of existing business models. A little private initiative and lots of common sense can resolve many of Kerala's modern social and economic problems without resorting to charitable or publicly-funded institutions including governments. We have all seen how the latter have fared. I'll let Milton Friedman explain the power of open markets more eloquently, "The great virtue of free enterprise is that it forces existing businesses to meet the test of the market continuously, to produce products that meet consumer demands at lowest cost, or else be driven from the market. It is a profit-and-loss system."

Note: All characters in this article are fictitious. Any similarities that these characters may have to any person living or dead are unintentional.
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Why Do We Need Kerala Airways?

Or will it be "Air Kerala"? It certainly cannot be "Kerala Air" since it will invoke a series of protests and hartals against corporate forces trying to plunder and take undue advantage of Kerala's virginity and supposedly clean air, leading to lesser air for the people of Kerala, especially the "saadharana-karan" (common man of Kerala), who will then have to breathe in vacuum - just like it happened in Plachimada because of Coca-Cola, who allegedly drained of all the water there, while 30 other factories there did not affect the environment. Some say this is because Coca-Cola is not consumed by the saadharana-karan since it contains, again allegedly, pesticides, but only by the "spoilt fat rich kids". The saadharana-karan drinks only arrack brewed with pests, and pesticides can spoil the flavor.

Anyway, coming back to Air Kerala. The political fraternity is coming together in support of the proposed new airline, forgetting color, race, party, corruption history, and bank balance. Since most of them, mainly due to the lack of education, failed to understand the technical and economical advantages of having the new airline, they decided to draft their own 10 point memorandum, based on their experiences and aspirations of a "new Kerala", to be submitted to the Minister of Civil Aviation. Here is a preview of the draft.


Why we need Kerala Airways - Submitted by the politicians of BJP..nadakkilla!! CPM.. poda pullay! Congress..pulikkum!!..okay okay..namakku onnikkam and make the public a donkey.. Kerala, representing the saadharana-karan(s)

Saar, our on plane yair-line is needed very mach and it is argentt, bekkos...

1. the pilots wont act smart anymore..pannanmaar! ("bad people" - produced by privatisation) and will wait for all the representatives of the saadharana-karans..we can even transfer them at our will even if the other passengers have to wait, its okay saar..they are waiting for the representatives of the saadharana-karans. as one of our great leaders said recently after one of our MP classmate was thrown out of the plane for coming late (he was only 5 hours 2 hours late saar! and there were only 180 other passengers), "this is a country!!". yes saar, we are countries, so what is the problem?

2. by the by...we can sit in the cockpit and fly..and not just in the front row of the first class cabin..we are servants of the people after all and deserve to be treated better than this. our leaders can also then transport their guns and bombs very safely.

3. saar, we can grab women travelling alone safely and more often if it is our own yair-line, and worry less about getting slapped it still hurts saar or investigations. nobedy will dare to question us then since it is a democrazy. it will also encourage politicians to fly more frequently, and earn more miles.

4. it will also help our PAs and supporters also travel more comfortably..we can have an emergansy quota for all of them, just like we have in the trains. and if our friends need tickets, we can release EQ for them too, just by dialling the yair-line office - we can post one of our boys as the manager so he wont be very smart or educated, and will listen to us this is my party idea.

5. once we have our airports in all the 14 districts, kerala yair-line will provide better connections in kerala. we can have more meetings and our payyanmar saadharana-karans can attend more dharnas and our goons party workers can be flown to wherever there is shortage.

6. saar, nowadays we are facing lot of problem. the air india and other private airlines (who are not for the saadharana-karans) dont allow us to drink alcohol or smoke beedis inside the plane. where is justice? in kerala yair-line, we can do all that and more..

7. one more problem our malayalis face is in using our mobiles. we are 100% literate and because of that we need to switch on our cellphone and talk to our friends and party people even while the plane is taking off, or just as the plane lands or taxis into the parking area. we are not able to do this now, and every time our malayali saadharana-karans talks on the phone while the plane is moving, the arrogant airhostesses announce and ask as us to switch off our phones. this is humiliating saar! injustice. what do these airhostesses think of themselves!?!

8. your owner, our saadharana-karans who chew paan and others who like to spit frequently are now facing problem in the plane. where will they spit? the windows are sealed. in our own yair-line, we can feel free since its our own yair-line.

9. saar, its very bad in yair-lines of nowadays..we have to wear soot-and-kuppayams and appear to be decent..why? for what? why cant we travel comfortably in lungi and shirtless? why should we pretend to be decent when we are not?

10. last but not the least..actually most important..our malayalis are used to rushing and creating confusion. but in the yair-lines we have now, we are facing lot of problem. every time our saadharana-karans stand up immediately after the plane touches down on the runway, the airhostess shouts at us for standing up and forming a queue to get out. saar, why cant we rush to the door once the plane touches down? isnt this our right? isnt the yair-lines there to serve us? we have example sir for you. recently, just as the plane touched down, one of our classmates (who is a senior party leader) jumped up and started taking out his bag. so the airhostess announced again asking everyone (we know who she meant!stupid oversmart!) to be seated till the plane comes to a halt and seatbelt signs are switched off. our class-mate got so angry and shouted at her "are we going to take-off again?..dont play with me".

saar, we are sure you fully understand why we need a kerala yair-line for our 100% literate saadharana-karans. it is arggent saar. give us permishan very soon. otherwise... otherwise we will perform hartal! ha ha ha..pinne nee endho cheyyum..please look into the matter saar.
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Government? ufff! The People – Democrazy in DOC, Part 1

This is a citizen’s take on our much acclaimed democracy. In Kerala, if you said democracy, some people would get offended, but most others would get ruffled. “Demo-ya? Kooduthal demo venda ketta” (don’t show off too much) you would get warned. Of course, the crazy bit is quite obvious everywhere in DOC.

Over the last few years, I have had the privilege of experiencing the joy and pleasure of many typical government offices in Kerala’s capital city, Trivandrum, in pursuit of various clearances and permissions. Initially it was the KSEB and the city Corporation, visits which have scarred my soul permanently!. So let me wait a bit more and let them heal a bit more before I write about the "gods" there.

More recently, I had to go to the Tahashildar’s office (TO) in Trivandrum. This is because I made the mistake of applying for a particular permission some time last year at the District Collector’s office. The Collector’s office had processed my request within a month and in august last year they had sent out an order to the Tahashildar’s office, aptly copied to me, asking them to verify my records personally and report back WITHIN A MONTH so that they can grant the permission at the earliest. Now that there has not been any response for over 6 months, as a citizen in dire straits, I decided to do the needful and visit the gods at the TO.

The look and feel of the TO at Trivandrum is similar to that of any other Government owned office. There will be people thronging the entrance, with a very knowledgeable and influential cart-wala selling ethakka-appam (banana fritters, or fry for the uninitiated) and tea. The experienced person will know that this cart-wala is the man. I mean, The Man. The man who was the sole authority before the Right to Information act was passed recently, and the only person you could get any valuable information from. He will know how to get what you need, who to meet, how much to bribe, when to come, what time the particular office “section” person goes to the loo, after how many weeks he will come back from the loo-visit, and most such very essential details for you to get your work done. He will also sell you the required application and request forms, although they are "supposed to be" obtained only from inside free of cost. But you wouldn’t want to displease the gods.

If you observe the people, you will notice that there is a pattern. Every group will consist of one officer and his clients, and in most cases, an external consultant also. Consultants are required for cases which are chronic (acute – upto 5 years, limited to one office; chronic – 5 or more years, involving many offices, probably in different cities or towns, or many cart-walas). Most of them will be in their mundu, folded up high, smoking (remember smoking is banned in public places in Kerala) and randomly spitting to announce the satisfaction of the tea they just downed.

Once you enter, you will find more hapless people. These “ignorant fools”, the naïve applicants and aspirants from out of town or the relatively uncorrupted lot, who stand in queues in the sun, in front of the enquiry counter and other "windows", waiting for a darshan of the concerned officer to direct them to the higher gods.

After a few hours, if you finally manage to make it to the counter the enquiry guy directed you to, and by some stroke of luck you reach there some time before or after the tea break-lunch break-tea break sessions of the employees, you will again most likely see an empty seat. The other people in the next seat or “section” wont even look at you. And if they do, they will eye you with an evil look and throw up their question in a fast move to ask “what the hell do you want?”. Some others may enquire and make you spill out your entire history before dismissing you to come when the concerned person is there and not on leave.

While I was there, a hapless old lady who had come from another town, and was enquiring about some payment she had to get as refund. She was desperately trying to get the attention of the officer who was luckily in his seat, but was talking to his colleague three tables away, not bothered about the lady muttering “sir…sir”. Finally, irritated, he asked “what?”. And she began her story. He asked her straight to go to some other section, without even looking at her paper. She then explained she had gone there and showed the remarks made by that section. To that he asked if she had gone to another office at another place in Trivandrum. Tired and irritated herself, she explained that all the other offices had directed her to him.

As I witnessed the sad plight of the lady, I also observed how the noticeboards and even the doors and windows were pasted with notices from various unions calling for strike or raising demands. There were computers on a lot of tables, all looking like age-old junk, uncleaned and kept shabbily. I saw the “peon”, who peered at you as though he is above the Collector (must be, in a literal sense, in collecting bribes), throw files signed by the Tahashildar, onto the respective tables from far away, as though he were delivering newspapers. The officers didn’t mind; after all it’s the "chief collector" himself delivering the goods. 3 out of 10 officers in that room were wearing khaddar, possibly implying they were one of the union leaders. I also saw how papers kept flying from some of the tables. Some were picked up by the person at the desk, some others were left lying only to be picked by some passerby and kept back on the table. Some others were still on the ground as I moved away, wondering what if its some piece of paper that’s so vital to one of us.

I could move away since my number had come. This was my 6th visit to the office to meet the person in charge of my file. I was lucky enough to meet the person this time, and even luckier to make him move it to the next "section", which was at the next table, in just an hour - something that didnt happen for the last 6 months.

But if you have “met the right people” and “seen them in the right way”, you will see that these hardly working people become so hard-working, showing personal interest, full of energy, cheering up their colleagues to process your request. Files, which usually take weeks to move between adjacent tables, begin to move rapidly between rooms and even buildings. People even recognize you during your second visit.

There is so much more to write about our government servants. The same people come back to private offices, hotels, and hospitals, and demand quick service and better facilities, preferably for free. And one would think its only the older lot who were the problem. But I couldn’t find a lot of difference in attitude among the younger officers either. I suppose its only a matter of time before the rot spoils the good apples too.
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Doggoning, Doggone, Doggoned

If you notice the small poll on the right side-bar of this blog, you will notice that 10% of the voters feel that Kerala has made good progress in comparison to TN, AP, and Karnataka. I am trying to understand where the difference is. If its just a positive hope that Kerala will catch up, the mindset will change, etc, then yes, I am an optimist too. But if there are any hard facts, then lets examine whats available.

First there is this big discussion (hullabaloo, if you prefer) about how violence, robbery, and goondaism has suddenly become common-place in God's Own Country. In fact, this blog had carried a post called Goon's Own Country on the same issue last year. Now it appears that the title is more acceptable, at least compared to DOC, and even the "chinthakans" aka the thought-leaders of the state are calling the state by that name. Now thats a definite change in the mind-set, and a sign of acceptability and willingness to accept our "few" faults and inadequacies. Ok, theres some progress.

Talking about Goondaism, I am not sure how many of us remember that when the current Government came into power, one of the first things the Home Minister did was to release 100s of criminals and thieves (who were apparently party workers - uh oh - who could not make it to the legislative assembly) from the jails across Kerala. I guess they have all effectively taken up "jobs", unlike their lesser malayali counterparts, who still prefer to remain unemployed, smoking beedis and leching at their women. So theres some more progress identified.

The farmers of Kuttanad meanwhile realized that neither the LDF nor the UDF can save them. Goondaism struck in the form of unionism, and prevented harvest using machines. But early summer showers, as they call it, ensured that the political pains were washed away, leaving only the poor farmers to suffer. Of course, we can celebrate Easter with grain and vegetables "imported" from AP and TN, and chicken flown in from TN and Karnataka. And after easing the hunger, we can complain that there is a food-mafia and chicken-mafia, besides the infamous (and invisible) land-mafia, sex-mafia, film-mafia, retail-mafia (yawn..), beggar-mafia, beautyparlor-mafia.. The Italian mafia appear to be far behind compared to the progress we have made. Kudos to ourselves.

So what happened to all the "progress" and "development" made in Munnar and other "specified locations" across the state? Rubbles worth crores of money were "created" some time last year, but what is the end result? Except for the fact that the ministers and a few other top ministry officials were implicated in land-scams (alleged) subsequently, we have no idea what has happened after the much hyped and celebrated demolitions of the JCB era. Did the ministers divide all the newly-acquired land among themselves? Are they waiting for another buyer like ISRO to come in so that they can make their deals? Oh ofcourse, we now have a set of politicians with business knack despite the lack of education. Progress, of course.

Millions of malayalees across Kerala now scuttle and hamper scamper to get in front of the TV by around 8pm, irrespective of what they were preoccupied with. Star Singer, Ta Ka Di Mi, Super Star Global... groan..the list is endless. But this is one progress I wholeheartedly accept as positive. These programs are much superior to the pathetic mental torture fed to the malayalees earlier in the form of "serials". Atleast our children will feel encouraged to become precocious, and possibly inducted earlier into various party youth wings, while our pitiful neighbours settle for IIM, IIT, AIIMS etc.

So what if the multi-crore, celebrated, Smart City project, the mother-of-all-projects Vizhinjam port, the Keralas-liftoff-to-space ISRO project etc are all stuck behind political inadequacies and inefficiencies? Progress can be so subtle.. We will have the last laugh always I guess. At least we will pretend to do so, with true malayali false-prestige.
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Its A Dog's World!

A million reasons why you should never post your picture on the web, especially on sites such as orkut or facebook, unless you have locked them from public viewing! This probably includes even matrimonial sites and also emailing photographs to people you are not really familiar with. There are frustrated psychopaths who seem to be bent on collecting pictures of women and pooling them on sites, some of which are extremelty obscene and others that are titled like "Desi girls .." and "Beautiful..Non-nude Gals!". And I am talking about pictures of girls and women picked from their personal albums, school albums, family photos, friends, etc.

Today it could be a random face, tomorrow it could be your friend or relative!

I dont know if the authorities are incapacitated enough not to intervene and raid server locations where these pictures are hosted, even if they are outside India or within. I hope someone who has both sense and power (a rare combination I suppose!) is reading this and has the courage and ability to do something.

I think privacy is something we all take too lightly, especially in Kerala where we are least bothered about respecting someone else's privacy!. Although this message is not really about Kerala, but rather its because I got really angry seeing such pics. The link to one such site was sent to me by a friend, whose colleague's pictures were put on the site - the picture was taken from her personal online album. They are trying to contact authorities regarding this, but none seem interested to do anything concrete. Most of the related sites on these domains are pornographic and disgusting.

I think this also underscores the fact that we really have no sense of respect or concern for our women. I have to point out that this is true especially of men in Kerala, where a lot of instances and events point to the fact that women are being treated more as objects rather than human beings, and a large section of the population thrives on scandals and gossips, which in turn feed this sort of deplorable perversions. Disgusting as it is, posting these pictures of innocent girls and women on these sites takes ourselves to new lows!

Pray someone can do something about this!


P.S. Initially I posted the links to some of these sites, but on second thought I decided to remove these, since it would mean more publicity to the pics of these innocent victims. But if you are someone who can do something about this whole scam, please post a comment and I will contact you and give you the details of these sites
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Literacy versus Education

The first thing that people tend to query you about when you say that you are from Kerala is about the 100% literacy concept which has been given so much of publicity, that now its become a bane - Kerala gets the least priority for most developmental projects because people sitting in other parts of the country think that its such an advanced state that does not need any help.

But everyday life in Kerala (you just need to spend a few hours in fact) tells you a different story - the story about how literacy is so vastly different from education. There are many parallels you can draw to prove this. For one, you could say most of our political leaders are only literate, but not at all educated. Or you could argue that reading and writing your own name is literacy, but reading and writing someone else's name is education. I could say that one can drive if you are literate, but disciplined driving needs education. Treating your mother and sister well needs literacy, but treating someone elses mother and sister like your own needs education. There are many more examples I can think of..but..you could also simply look around and wonder what the difference is..



Pic courtesy - Cosmet Surgeon via email

I am not sure if the above signage is located in Kerala or elsewhere, but it was too hilarious and one couldnt drive home the point any better.

Lets just hope our schools and colleges start focussing on education rather than initiate our youth into politics. I hope we soon have a government with the sense and knowledge to understand the value of education, than just gloat on the literacy tag, and hopefully will have the courage to ban political affiliations in schools and colleges of Kerala. Or soon we will be a state with a 100% uneducated tag.

I would like to add that the message here is not the picture (which was just to add some fun), but the fact is that Kerala's much acclaimed education and development models have stagnated to a pathetic extent over the last 10-15 years, and is nothing to be proud of any more.
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Kerala, Fast Forward - Kerala This Week, Vol 6, December 2007

The Christmas season seems to have changed the ruling communist government's luck drastically, and looks like the red brigade is all set to fly the good times (No, this has nothing to do with Kingfisher or Mallya). The maestros of the present ruling party seem to be hitting brainwaves after brainwaves. Now isnt that breaking news?

Until very recently the pack has been suffering repeated humiliation by trying to do things that really didnt match their qualifications or intelligence levels. ISRO land to Smart City (Smart! how ironic..), and National Highways to important industrial projects, humiliation has come in many forms to the current government. Unspent "development" grants, absurd project reports, unimplemented plans, depleting funds..and add to it the very slowly but steadily increasing number of unemployed party workers trying to find a job for themselves due to peer pressure from the "foreign" aka the Gulf and Bangalore aka the new America ("God, what has this world come to!, why are all these able-bodied men trying to employ themselves..how can they be so disloyal to the party" - this was overheard at a recent party high-command meeting).

The only good thing for the government has been a totally sleepy and ineffective opposition, just making whimpers and whines occasionally. But all that changed over the last couple of weeks. Here are the brainwaves that topped the list:


Brainwave number 1: "Adopt Santa Claus as the official mascot of the red-brigade"

While there are many guesses as to why nobody thought of this idea until now (or did they?), it is almost certain that none of the present political leaders could think of something so intelligent. Large Santa cut-outs were seen outside a lot of communist party offices, merging with the Achuthanandan and Pinarayi cut-outs and the red flags.


Brainwave number 2: "Train Keralites to climb coconut trees and create an industrial revolution and economic boom"

Terming the UDF Government's decision to train monkeys to climb coconut trees as an attack on the common-man's right to livelihood, the government scrapped the policy since it unilaterally favored the monkeys and the bourgeois apes. Instead, the Government decided to set up a school to train malayalis to climb trees and pluck coconuts. In the wake of the economic boom riding on technology revolution and industrialization that requires education and soft-skills, the thought-leaders of the current government saw this as a perfect answer. Perfect reply rather.

This new policy will ensure that the party workers can climb trees during their free time (which is a lot since its their own party ruling the state and there is no real need for daily hartals), and come down immediately in the event of a sudden post-noon or evening hartal or strike call. The party also welcomed the decision and expected students from other states also to join this prestigious institution once it is open.

The school is expected to begin early in 2008, and initially two part-time (to suit the timings of busy party-workers) courses will be offered - a Post Graduate Diploma in Coconut Plucking (PGDCP) and a Post Graduate Diploma in Maram Keral (PGDMK). The prospectus says that the admissions will be purely on merit, and the candidates should have at least dropped out by Grade 10. Attendance below 50% in school, party work, destruction of public property, previous experience in related fields will be a plus. Trusted sources said the seats have been filled until 2009 already, and there is a proposal to grant the school a deemed university status.

Whats more heartening is that companies like the CPeye, INCee, CPeeM, DeyeC (K), RSPee, BJPee, IyouML and most other leading political business outfits have agreed to conduct campus-selection right from the first batch. And since the school will not require an actual campus, there is much cheer in the parties.

Brainwave number 3: "Make Monopoly the official game of Kerala"

This idea was kept highly confidential until very recently, although the present set of ministers and their associates were trained and made to practise the game every day before they assumed office. The results are evident from the Munnar and ISRO deals (or "debacles" as some folks with anti-common-man sentiments term them!). The government is fully into tearing down houses and hotels and taking over property (Munnar) and selling it elsewhere. This brainwave is the result of the sudden belief that all the land in Kerala belongs to the government. Its almost like one of the players in the game decided to become the bank and make his own rules.


Brainwave number 4: "Make alcohol the official drink of Kerala"

At a whopping 8.3 litres of alcohol per person a year (as per the latest stats), Keralites are the biggest drunkards in the country. And it shows.. in da house, in da street, in da work (what work?), in da movies..everywhere. And what better time to prove this than Christmas and New Years. The alcohol sales (minus the more commonly used illicit liquor) in Kerala just on Christmas eve supposedly crossed Rs 18.6 crore this year.


Brainwave number 5: "'Common-man' can make pirated CDs and use pirated software"

This idea was brought to the fore after officials from Microsoft, along with police officials, raided locations across the state and captured pirated versions of Windows software. In protest, the poor "common-man" organized hartals to protest against such actions that curb their right to earn illegally. After all its the government of the poor "windows-loving common-man" ruling the state, and the rest of the state needs to run only on Linux.


Brainwave number 6: "Keep all major projects in the 'feasibility study' and 'consultation' phase for as long as possible"

Be it Smart City project or the Vizhinjam Port, the government stumbled upon this wonderful brainwave by chance. They have now discovered the beauty of keeping all big developmental and employment-generating projects in a literal state of suspended animation. This is done by releasing press notes every couple of weeks on some such big project, and then doing nothing about it. A "6-lane road is going to developed in Kuttipuram", "1001 bridges and flyovers coming very soon", "Vizhinjam port will become a reality", "all districts will have tech-parks".. the list is endless. These occasional outbursts of publicity seem to be enough to fool the literate-but-literally-uneducated Keralite public and keep them dreaming of a better tomorrow, and to fool the common-man into thinking that participating in a hartal today will win their children bread tomorrow.

But reality is far from it. Vizhinjam port has been in the form of a tender for many years now, Kerala was thrown out of the highway projects (but apparently got back in with some sense prevailing somewhere), Smart City is yet to take off despite the deal being signed, and crores of rupees received as funds from various organizations for development and health care remain under-utilized or non-utilized due to the exceptional inefficiency of the state government (or their inability to understand logic or take educated and intelligent decisions).


Looks like we have lots to look forward to the next 3.5 years or so of this government. Can somebody please Fast Forward?.
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