Sunday, April 20, 2008

Why Do We Need Kerala Airways?

Or will it be "Air Kerala"? It certainly cannot be "Kerala Air" since it will invoke a series of protests and hartals against corporate forces trying to plunder and take undue advantage of Kerala's virginity and supposedly clean air, leading to lesser air for the people of Kerala, especially the "saadharana-karan" (common man of Kerala), who will then have to breathe in vacuum - just like it happened in Plachimada because of Coca-Cola, who allegedly drained of all the water there, while 30 other factories there did not affect the environment. Some say this is because Coca-Cola is not consumed by the saadharana-karan since it contains, again allegedly, pesticides, but only by the "spoilt fat rich kids". The saadharana-karan drinks only arrack brewed with pests, and pesticides can spoil the flavor.

Anyway, coming back to Air Kerala. The political fraternity is coming together in support of the proposed new airline, forgetting color, race, party, corruption history, and bank balance. Since most of them, mainly due to the lack of education, failed to understand the technical and economical advantages of having the new airline, they decided to draft their own 10 point memorandum, based on their experiences and aspirations of a "new Kerala", to be submitted to the Minister of Civil Aviation. Here is a preview of the draft.

Why we need Kerala Airways - Submitted by the politicians of BJP..nadakkilla!! CPM.. poda pullay! Congress..pulikkum!!..okay okay..namakku onnikkam and make the public a donkey.. Kerala, representing the saadharana-karan(s)

Saar, our on plane yair-line is needed very mach and it is argentt, bekkos...

1. the pilots wont act smart anymore..pannanmaar! ("bad people" - produced by privatisation) and will wait for all the representatives of the saadharana-karans..we can even transfer them at our will even if the other passengers have to wait, its okay saar..they are waiting for the representatives of the saadharana-karans. as one of our great leaders said recently after one of our MP classmate was thrown out of the plane for coming late (he was only 5 hours 2 hours late saar! and there were only 180 other passengers), "this is a country!!". yes saar, we are countries, so what is the problem?

2. by the by...we can sit in the cockpit and fly..and not just in the front row of the first class cabin..we are servants of the people after all and deserve to be treated better than this. our leaders can also then transport their guns and bombs very safely.

3. saar, we can grab women travelling alone safely and more often if it is our own yair-line, and worry less about getting slapped it still hurts saar or investigations. nobedy will dare to question us then since it is a democrazy. it will also encourage politicians to fly more frequently, and earn more miles.

4. it will also help our PAs and supporters also travel more comfortably..we can have an emergansy quota for all of them, just like we have in the trains. and if our friends need tickets, we can release EQ for them too, just by dialling the yair-line office - we can post one of our boys as the manager so he wont be very smart or educated, and will listen to us this is my party idea.

5. once we have our airports in all the 14 districts, kerala yair-line will provide better connections in kerala. we can have more meetings and our payyanmar saadharana-karans can attend more dharnas and our goons party workers can be flown to wherever there is shortage.

6. saar, nowadays we are facing lot of problem. the air india and other private airlines (who are not for the saadharana-karans) dont allow us to drink alcohol or smoke beedis inside the plane. where is justice? in kerala yair-line, we can do all that and more..

7. one more problem our malayalis face is in using our mobiles. we are 100% literate and because of that we need to switch on our cellphone and talk to our friends and party people even while the plane is taking off, or just as the plane lands or taxis into the parking area. we are not able to do this now, and every time our malayali saadharana-karans talks on the phone while the plane is moving, the arrogant airhostesses announce and ask as us to switch off our phones. this is humiliating saar! injustice. what do these airhostesses think of themselves!?!

8. your owner, our saadharana-karans who chew paan and others who like to spit frequently are now facing problem in the plane. where will they spit? the windows are sealed. in our own yair-line, we can feel free since its our own yair-line.

9. saar, its very bad in yair-lines of nowadays..we have to wear soot-and-kuppayams and appear to be decent..why? for what? why cant we travel comfortably in lungi and shirtless? why should we pretend to be decent when we are not?

10. last but not the least..actually most important..our malayalis are used to rushing and creating confusion. but in the yair-lines we have now, we are facing lot of problem. every time our saadharana-karans stand up immediately after the plane touches down on the runway, the airhostess shouts at us for standing up and forming a queue to get out. saar, why cant we rush to the door once the plane touches down? isnt this our right? isnt the yair-lines there to serve us? we have example sir for you. recently, just as the plane touched down, one of our classmates (who is a senior party leader) jumped up and started taking out his bag. so the airhostess announced again asking everyone (we know who she meant!stupid oversmart!) to be seated till the plane comes to a halt and seatbelt signs are switched off. our class-mate got so angry and shouted at her "are we going to take-off again?..dont play with me".

saar, we are sure you fully understand why we need a kerala yair-line for our 100% literate saadharana-karans. it is arggent saar. give us permishan very soon. otherwise... otherwise we will perform hartal! ha ha ha..pinne nee endho cheyyum..please look into the matter saar.


Jen Kumar said...

I'm not a Keralite but I love this- it's a real comedy act. Wish you could have this in a podcast or video format with actors- it would be hilarious!

MC said...

jennifer, as funny as it is, its also the sad state of affairs in kerala. thank you again for the encouragement.

silverine said...

I was overcome by emotions as I read this heartrending plea of our beloved 'servants of the public" I hope they get their airline and I am willing to say a thousand rosaries for the same too as long as they get their airline and confine themselves to it.

I have even thought of a name for it.



MC said...

@ silverine - wow! brilliant! CONair! so perfect! :)

jj said...
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scorpiogenius said...

LOL! MC, you are back at your best: sarcastic comedy! I love it...

On a more serious note, I got the impression from the post that you think 'Kerala Airlines' would be a ridiculous idea. Keep aside the politicians, dont you feel this wont be such a bad idea afterall???

MC said...

@ jj - student concession! ofcourse! how could they forget it? :) yeah we could name the aircrafts as achu, murali, karu, etc :)

@ scorpiogenius - thanks and nice to see you here after a long time :)

no i am also for the airline (especially since we have a huge traffic to the middle east). but i feel there are bigger priorities and more useful things we could focus on now. and with the same amount of political campaign, our leaders could ensure better services to the state from air india.

abhishek said...
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abhishek said...

Too funny, your latest post. I like how you've weaved all our Keralite idiosynchrasies including our politicians into the "agenda".

But as you highlight, this is just a ruse for our "saar"s to supply jobs to their voting banks at the expense of a huge bill to the exchequer. This will be a loss-making proposition from the very beginning and will have to be classified under the "small and medium enterprise" or "handicraft" industries very soon.

Wait: Loss-making? Job supply? Tax bill? Holy cr**, why didn't we think of this before? We should christen it "Dinesh Airlines" after Kerala's most successful enterprise. And watch out for the upcoming "gems" to our Kerala empire.

1. Dinesh Software - Sorry, not the "IT" kind. VS and coterie will create softer and aromatic soaps.

2. Dinesh TV - VS and coterie are going to broadcast video documentaries extolling the Dear Leader and his followers' achievements. The media outlet will be a joint venture, pipty-pipty, with partners based in North Korea.

3. Dinesh Loading and Unloading - VS and coterie's newest attempts to fend off competition from the burgeouise mail companies including DHL, Fed Ex, and UPS. Dinesh Loading and Unloading offers one-stop extortion services to its consumers and comprehensive no work benefits to its employees.

4. Dinesh Harvesting - VS and coterie offer rain-making services (elaborate dances of the North American kind if necessary) for rice farmers. In the unlikely event that such services do not succeed, company employees are standing aside to prevent the use of mechanical threshers and provide First Class B.Com qualified labor to harvest grain.

I have to stop, because I have to visit the U.S. Patent Office to register these "suber" ideas.

DD said...

Nice sarcasm :)
And CONair! LOL! perfect name!

I am slightly disconnected from Kerala there actually a proposal for a new airlines?

silverine said...

"why should we pretend to be decent when we are not?"

ROFL!!! I am reading this the 2nd time and finding these gems :))

You forgot one important thing! Air hostesses who have been trained to withstand groping, pinching and other 'govt servantly activities' with a smile! :|

Abhishek: LOL!!!

Shrinidhi Hande said...

Bon Voyage, Air Kerala..

MC said...

@ abhishek - lol..yeah..this is sycophancy for our beloved politicians..

dinesh enterprises..very funny..they already own the channel and loading-unloading company..its a matter of time before they diversify.

@ dd - yes there is/was a proposal for a state owned airline (with private investments along the line of the cochin airport).

@ silverine - oh yeah..maybe instead of airhostesses they will keep goondas - will definitely make it cheap, literally..

@ shrinidhi - "i know you have the choice of other airlines, but hope you will fly the good times again"

Unknown said...

Hilarious MC! If you want to see Mallus behaving badly, try travelling in one of the Gulf sector flights.Getting drunk on free booze, throwing up in the aisle, cat calls & "Shoolamady" for the hostesses and singing "pooram" songs. No wonder the cabin crews of these flights treat them like scum!

PCM said...

A bit late to respond, yet, sure it is a bright prospect. We will need our own airways to lift all the politicians from district to district in the shortest time. Who knows when there is going to be a meeting and where? What is Kerala without the politicians blasting the air with their speeches?
As it appears, Kerala is about to be one grand stretch of airports. Kannur has already earmarked 1200 acre for it, so that all common men will benefit. Let industry and farming in this area go to dogs!
Similarly, all districts soon will have airports, the total area of which might exceed the total area of Kerala. But, what is development without airports?
Once all the airports are in place, the latest trend in Kerala will surface - we will not pay for the use of airports or airplanes - as it happened in the case of roads and bridges on the completion of which we have refused to pay tolls.
After all, these are built by our money, whether it is loaned by or borrowed from ADB or World Bank!
Hail the Kerala model of development!

Mahesh said...

I can understand the frustration of the so called high class urban youth who are not able to do anything but to sit under the comfort of the anonymity of the medium and just bark. Very few are hearing you. You sick people don't have the spine, bones, balls or brains to talk or act when it is required. So my suggestion for you is rather than spreading the sickness of your thoughts, why don't you keep your stinking mouth shut. Forget you, the fickle human being, not even God can save Kerala.

Ethan Parthasarathy said...

amen ... lol!

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