Sunday, March 21, 2010

Kerala This Week Ver 5.04, 2010

Imagine this: A flyover from one end of a city in our state to its other end, nearly 5 kilometers. And each kilometer will cost only Rs 100 crores, going by a quick, baseless, mental calculation! First reaction: Crazy! Afterthought: (elections approaching..hmmm) Brilliant..we will consider it..and make our city better than heaven. (clap, clap, clap!) Truly..imagine being able to ride above all the potholes, kudi-vellam padhathis, processions, bandhs, arches and stone throwing. But wait..isnt another flyover in the city still under construction, though it was started many, many years ago..and it was just under half a kilometer. People say it is touted to be the longest flyover in the world. Longest in terms of time taken to complete. Indeed. How long will we the people play donkeys for our netas?

Jokes apart, it is not the concept that is so absurd (vertical elevations, both for roads and buildings, and not horizontal widening and construction, is what our state needs given the density) but only the way in which our netas trivializing development. If they had 500 crores of the tax payers money to spare, there are many areas within the capital city itself that require smaller flyovers and subways. A friend was explaining how the Medical College-Ulloor road in the city, is one of the most congested areas in the city. Patients wanting to reach the Med Coll Hospital, RCC, SCT etc (all premier healthcare institutions treating lakhs of patients) are suffering more than anyone else, with traffic blocks and what not! Truly all this talk about development and lack of will or initiative to implement anything is the bane of our state. We have to criticize and isolate and highlight these issues. Otherwise, if we sit applauding and cherishing eveyrthing, these absurdities will continue forever! I am sure we dont want to end up like a bunch of fools standing in front of our netas while they get garlanded, even if not in Rs 1000 notes, for their stupidity.

Camera in the ladies' toilet..Priests abusing minors. We will look into the matter. But glad that frustrated Kerala is getting stung for a change. "Naadan bombu" inside a KF flight? Good Lord. I suppose we are making progress after all. "Quotation" walas are probably doing interstate contracts these days? We will look into the matter. Corruption in every ministry and department? Really? We will look into the matter.

To B or not to B? That was the question for Kerala Tourism. Finally it was not to B, all because of Modi. But the good news for Tourism was that the Golden Chariot express arrived in the state. Supposedly a wonderful experience, and something our state should also consider. And kudos to the tourism minister for promoting adventure beach sports, and that too by parasailing himself.

Finally, a Kerala IPL team! What a reason to be proud about! Congrats to all those who made this possible and now we have our own team to root for next year! That the team is "based in Kochi" was reason enough for ruffling the feathers of "Keralites" in another city - why are we not surprised eh? I wonder when our friends will realize that we will make progress only the day we trash our pettiness and arrogance, and also leave behind people who have only wily political motives rather than broadmindedness, will, initiative, and a real interest in the nation and our state. Are we going to look back at Vizhinjam, Expressways, Smart Cities and everything else, even decades later and still listen to our netas proclaim feasibility studies and consultancies? Hopefully not!

Excerpts from a discussion forum by progressive youth (PY) in our state:

PY1 from City1: "Thalle IPL kochikkaru kondu poyadeee." (Translation- Mother! Kochi folks have got the IPL team)

PY2 from City 2: "Poda, Kondupoyi PUZHUNGI thinnu." (Translation - Go man..Take it (the IPL team), steam it and eat it")

Ah..Another day in God's own paradiso.

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Saturday, March 06, 2010

Ente Bajjett

I would like to present my personal bubble for the year, without predijuce..and pride. This year, I dream..sorry..I propose to build 5 new residential complexes worth Rs.26.47 crores. I also propose to build 10,00,000 square feet additional office space for IT at 24 different locations around my home, some of which you may be hearing for the first time, at an investment of Rs.1233.99 crores. I will decide later what to do with the 5,00,000 square feet which is already constructed but lying empty as there are no takers. Together this can create direct 5,00,000 jobs and over 10,00,000 indirect jobs (neighbours who dont mind working, please note).

I am allocating 50 lakhs for the welfare of my kitchen employees association, gardening and labour union, and drivers committee, as per the demands of their leaders, all of whom never work but still make demands. I promise to give some of them rice at Rs.2 and sell the balance at double the reserve price in the grey market. I am also imagining an airport in my backyard and also propose a metro rail system around my house, at an investment of Rs.9453.72 crores. I am also keeping aside Rs 14 crores to engage a consultant to study once again a byepass from the top to bottom of my plot and also the port I have been discussing since 1974. A few other projects which my predecessors and I have promised over the last several years worth a few thousands of crores will also be executed this year magically.

I have stopped sand mining, banned online lottery, and monopolised liquor sales for everyone else in my house, but these can be my sources of revenue. The chain of bars I own, which is the only one allowed to sell liquor officially, makes thousands of crores of profit every year. The addicted locals have been drinking so much on any and every given occasion, and so it is apt to give some money back for their health and maintain them as loyal customers. Also, there is too much ill talk about our locality becoming a hub for drunkards and liquor lobbyists. Ridiculous!. For this I plan to set up deaddiction centers right next to my bars, so that nobody will know which line my customers are in.

My conscience asked me who will protest if I hike the tax on alcohol and tobacco to maximum, instead of simply saying they are harmful to health, and reduce levies on healthcare, medicine, water, food and vegetables..I pretended not to know. I recently created an ad to promote my lotteries, with kids in it. I hope it will send the oppossite signal and will not inspire my kids to start gambling. My conscience asked me if lottery online is gambling and lottery offline is fine? I said I dont know.

By the by, my bank balance is still negative. I dont have a decent job despite being 100% literate! And I am relying on my brother to go to work at my neighbours office and send me enough money to sit idle and drink, and for my children's education. I have loans worth Rs.23,119.71 crores. I feel I am being ignored by the central..I mean, my parents..although they have provided me everything until a few hours back and I have turned to them for every need. I will ask my cook, gardener and driver to protest anyhow!

Anyway, all the above, and more, can be done if things go well and you vote me back to power..what am I saying..I meant if you continue to appreciate my jokes and say lovely things about me. If not, we will see how the next person who comes instead of me will manage all these very minor deficits and better the promises I made. LOL! Thank you, thank you.

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